5th March, 2007. 2:54 pm. No Hope
really dont know what has become of me. It seems like everytime i take a step forward i feel like ive taken ten steps back. My mindset is really sinking deeper and deeper. I really feel like this is it for me, in the sense that the way im feeling right now there is no coming back from that. Years of growing up i thought it was a phase or just perhaps a couple of bad days. But i now realize that its a bigger problem and it seems like there is no avoiding what i feel now. I dont know what im doing wrong, or if im doing anything wrong at all. I just wish i could be like everyone else i know and just enjoy the time that i have. But just waking up in the morning has become a battle for me i seem to open my eyes less and think a little bit more. I dont know what to do and i feel like my life is at a standstill neither moving forward or backward. I can't stop feeling like this and i feel like i have no hope left. Coming home to virtually nothing hasn't helped the situation either. I wish there was a easy solution to the way i am feeling but ive been depressed for about a week now and it shows the no sign of slowing down. I want to leave, to anywhere and start over. But is that really the awnser to my problems? No. But i just feel like the more i stay here the more i feel like this is it for me. I have done everything that any normal 19 year old should do. Everything is right but on the inside i felt like i havent done shit with my life. I know for a fact that im not the only one who feels the way i do, but i just think that i shouldn't keep thinking like this. Its taken over me almost like a virus. I dont see any end in sight. Ive lost weight, lost sleep, and stayed in my room for days on end. This cannot be all that there is to life and i try to my best to be a good person but i still feel more lost than ever. I used to be so optimistic and now i feel like i dont have any hope. I want to find the solution to stop feeling this way and ive tried everything i can think of to keep busy but to no avail. Because at the end of the day i still come to nothing. And in a sad way i really have become used to it. I want a break from everything but the what i wanna do i really do not have the time to do it. I wake up everyday wanting the day to be over, no one to turn to, all that i have left is prayer. I understand that a man has to stand alone sometimes. But i know i deserve better than this. i want to be how i used to be, happy and optimistic, but i look back and i think that side of me is lost forever. I put on a fake smile everyday and i act like everything is ok but on the inside i feel like ive lost hope and to everybody that ive loved. I know i cant give up and i know people give me advice and make me feel better for the time being but other than that i have no one. I accept the fact that i have hurt some of the closest people to me and i accept the consequences of my actions. I also accept the fact that i take full responsibilty for everything that i have done and i blame nobody but myself. Even so, does this mean i am destined to a life living it unfufilled. I really dont know whats going to happen once school ends. Two months left and im hanging on by a single thin thread. And when i mean hanging on i really mean it in every aspect. I am emotionally messed up inside, time heals all they say but i have yet to feel the negativity wash away. And in a way im sure it will never go away. People say i think too much and i really try my best and worry about everything else. Ive gone out, Seeked old friends, And tried to have fun and enjoy life. but the more i seem to try the less i want to try. I dont know what to do anymore, I dont know what to do with myself, i dont want to keep going through life if im living it in vain. I want awnsers but this is the emotional rollercoaster in life and i cant break down just because i feel like ive given up. the worst part of all is that i feel hollow, i feel something inside of me that isnt there and i dont know why im so used to it. I want out, i want out of everything, i want to run away and never come back. But in the end i know that is not the awnser. Ive thought about how far this depression goes, is it short term thing or is it something im gonna have to deal with on a constant basis. Either way i got to face it alone. Im trying my hardest to stay together and mantain for myself and for the people that care about me. But too much time far away from everybody i know has really changed my life and my personality. If i knew what i needed to do to get rid of these feelings i would. Its so much more complex than i thought and everytime i get my hopes i feel like im shot down and its harder and harder to get up. Everything seemed so easy, now im second guessing myself and i dont know how to deal with everything that is thrown at me. I wish somebody would tell me what i need to do.
6th February, 2007. 4:52 pm. Dreams.
had a dream last night that awoke me and made me pick up my pen and my pad and write. This is a journal entry that took place last night...
Time is of the essence and of course it waits for no man, but i couldn't help but wonder why ive let so much of it pass me by. I had a dream where i held in my hand a stopwatch and through this watch i was able to see into my past, present, and future. I seemed to be going into a timewarp traveling and seeing things i had not even thought about in years. My youth is still in effect but as the dream progressed it made me realize how short and impatient i once was. This timewarp had revealed the very flaws and demons i had shrugged off and didn't want to face. The dream kept on and i suddenly saw myself in my present form and not the same person i was in the past tense.
I lie here now awake fully aware of how grown up i have become. Not yet a man by far, but i have left the youth in that dream that was brought to my attention. We often think about why we were brought into this earth and this question is something that i have not chased but have put into the back of my mind. Ive Decided to invest more time into myself, and i have wasted alot of my days and nights breaking my back for people who i wanted to please. But i cannot keep wasting my life trying to live in other's peoples shadows and expectations. These last few months have been hard for me in the sense that i have to say goodbye to alot of people that i wanted so bad to be in my life.
Its been an uphill battle to try be truly happy and there is still gonna be a couple of sleepless nights ahead of me. Im letting it all go and i will always be an emotional person at heart, But there is something about my personality now that has changed my whole prespective on everything. Im thankful for the wisdom that my Savior has blessed me with. Obstacles in my life dont seem to be as big as they once did and its becoming a little bit less of struggle to go to sleep at night. Living on my own has taught me the value of having people around and the bonds that can never be broken.
I believe that the dream meant much more than just a time shift in my youth. I think that there is something much deeper than meets the eye. The last part of my dream i had envisoned a beautiful women with a feather in her hair. To my left and to my right i could see the Women who had done me wrong and in a moment they vanished. My attention was brought back to the Woman with the feather in her hair. She reached her hand out to me and i could see the sun setting in the background as she was walking to me to my present future. Im not too sure how many omens ive had in my life but this dream seemed to speak to me like no other.
This Woman is out there, i dont know where she is and i can honestly say that she is real and im starting to search for her. Over mountains and endless oceans i will search for her because she holds the keys to my future and the feeling of content that i have sought after all these years. With all this being said, i look forward to the days ahead because i know she is out there somewhere.
The emotional barriers ive had to overcome have really made think how much of a emotional rollercoaster life has been so far. But it has helped me to understand hwo your true friends are and the Women who will hold you down for the rest of your life.
Current mood: accomplished.
31st July, 2006. 10:32 pm. Hella Long Update
God damn it feels good to be back in the studio. Ive strayed from my journal and im sorry folks. But i just have begun a brand new chapter of my life. First year of College was amazing, Amazing Parties, Bad ass new friends, and some good sex. In spite of all this new stuff that was thrown it me i still managed to mantain a good average and make it trough my semsters. I feel like this year is gonna be very challenging and i just pray to God everyday that i make it the cut again. Being alone has made me so fortunate that i have such good friends and family. Summer has also been quite amazing as well. the only time it was bad was the days i was here by myself. but eh, fuck it.. Ive been at SAC shooting the breeze and making the grade. ill leave yall with that. ill be back in a day.
5th March, 2006. 7:11 pm. Narrowing The Gap
Top 3 schools that im thinking about transferring to.
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31st January, 2006. 2:56 pm. Is This It?
Hmm. Back in the computer lab again. I dont know if this is where i need to be. maybe its because im still in the city. College life is becoming too much of a routine. im learning, but not the way i thought i would.
Same people, different day. Transfering is becoming more and more of an option id love to explore. It just comes down to where i would end up going and if i would follow through. I talked to my pops about this and he said i should look inside of myself and ill know what i need to do. True words have never been spoken.
Im really looking forward to the summer this year mainly because ill have a job for sure. Even better ill at least be driving a little bit more. Driving anywhere has always been good way for me to vent.
It seems like everybody ive talked to have become "set" in their ways. It bothers me that i cant say that i have.
The question starts to formulate in my mind if it is more than just a change in school. Does the problem lie deeper than that? I really hadn't thought that far ahead yet. But i am leaning towards it more and more.
UTSA has the sort of reputation of a last resort kind of school. Zero pride in the school. Everyone walks around the school with their UT caps on talking outloud about how much they hate it here and they wish they could leave already. Idiots.
Alot of negativity, something that i deal with on a daily basis, not because i want to, because i have to.
Music, the few movies that inspire me, God, the friends that have been with me since the very start. Thats all that is helping me get up in the morning. I feel like ive been cut off in a way.
More and more deeper into the reflection i go as i let the words flow and let the Ipod play. I want out. But i don't. Kind of torn between two lives. I can only live on obviously.
As the year comes to an end i will have to come up with a decision that will impact me for the rest of my college life as well as career. Is it too late to drop it all and start fresh somewhere else? or do i take it the solo route and suck it up and continue on? Too many questions and not a single response to any of them.
Everything happens for a reason. What does all of this mean? Or better yet does not mean anything?
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15th January, 2006. 8:21 pm. Scars And Memories
Corpus was too dope. UTSA is where my hearts at. Life is gonna speed up again. thanks for everything.
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7th December, 2005. 3:53 pm. A crazy Idea.
Hey guys... im taking a break from studying and i wanted to know if yalls opinon on something. im contemplating on getting my ears pierced. give me your feedback. the style i would get would be those sqare earrings. the type rap and ball players usually wear. comment back.
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30th November, 2005. 12:46 pm. Hmm
My cousin never called me back? wtf? where u b?
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21st November, 2005. 1:42 pm.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Write a little blurb about why you're enjoying each. Post these instructions in your Livejournal along with your seven songs.
Anthony Hamilton - Comin Where Im From: This man has a deep voice that really speaks to you in this song.Its just a deep song with really simple lyrics but it still makes you think.
The Diplomats - Crunk Muzik: Dipset. the diplomats kill on this song. just a straight krunk song. reason i jam to it on a the regular it gets me in that confrontational mood like i wanna jump some dude for looking at me the wrong way. one day it just might happen.
Cam'ron- Dipset Forever: Mainly Cam sptting on this track but a good reminder why he is one of the better rappers out on the streets right now.
Notorious BIG- Juicy: Wow what can i really say about one of my favorite rappers of all time. perfect example of his talent in his lyrics. the beat is great and his lyrics paint the potrait of a man growing up brooklyn. its all good. makes me smile when i listen.
Cam'ron Feat. Juelz Santana- More Gangsta Music: Cant say enough about the Dips. these guys spit so hard i feel it. just a rap song showcasing the skills. they aint going no where.
Juelz Santana - Who I Am: One of his more deeper jams. Santana goes behind this slow beat and just opens up to the world about the man he is and the man he once was. very personal. but a nice thug touch to make it sound hard enough to bump in the car.
Jim Jones Ft. Trey Songz - Summer With Miami: wish i knew about this song earlier so i could have put it in the summer. but jones is on the track but although his raps is a bit shaky Trey Songz saves the song with his chorus. he kills it.
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31st October, 2005. 1:50 pm.
Back A Page
theres this girl i think i dig. but shes 21 and im 18.
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